Here are a few from George Carlin:
"There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls."
"Weather forecast for tonight: dark. "
"Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town."
"Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist."
"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. "
"When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?"
And here are a couple from a guy called Murray Walker who was a sports commentator, some of the lines are very Yogi Berra-sque:
"And now, excuse me while I interrupt myself"
"Eight minutes past the hour here in Belgium - and presumably eight minutes past the hour everywhere in the world."
"He can't decide whether to leave his visor half open or half closed."
"I don't make mistakes. I make prophecies which immediately turn out to be wrong."